Sleeping Sorrows

Tonight I am sad. My little baby girl moved out of our room tonight. There are several reasons for this. The main reason is she goes to bed before us and when we come in to go to bed we tend to wake her up. Plus also every time Pat turns over there's a 50/50 chance she'll wake up. Seriously, I had no idea how loud sheets could be until I spent all night trying not to wake up Wiggles. 

But the main reason we finally made the move is because she woke up before 4 am (as in before the sun is up) last night (this morning?) and did not go back to sleep until 6. That's more than two hours people. No sleeping for anyone. We finally had to desert the room and head for the couches, leaving her to play loudly and then scream blue murder for another 45 minutes.

Does any one else feel like a terrible parent when they do this? There's nothing else, believe me. I know that there are some very (!!!) strong opinions about crying it out, so please, if you have comments, make them encouraging. But believe me when I tell you I have tried every other way. I have read every book, every forum, consulted pediatricians, both sets of grandparents and every other parent I know and nothing (let me repeat for emphasis) NOTHING has worked. If there was any other way, believe me I would do it, but aside from rocking her all night long (this is actually not an exaggeration, I've done it) we had to let her figure it out. And every time she has trouble sleeping, and I have tried everything in my power to help her sleep to no avail, and I still have to leave her to cry, I sit upstairs and feel like a terrible mother. Any one with me? Is this not the most horrible thing about being a parent? Giving your child what they need even though it rips your own heart out to see them struggle with your decision?

And that got me thinking. Is that not how God feels about us? I have spent the last three years bitter and angry with the Lord for what I felt like was abandoning me; leaving me without direction, alone in this world. It has taken being a parent to begin to comprehend God's love for me. He is giving me what I need. And it's hard for me. It's hard for Him. He's not coldly watching me suffer, He's sitting upstairs listening to the monitor and silently crying with me in my pain and sorrow. Counting each tear I shed. Just as I sit here and mourn with my little girl tonight, knowing that I am doing exactly what she needs, even if it's not easy for her... or me.

Sorrowfully yours,
Jillian