Puzzle Pieces

I have never had a problem letting God do what He wants in my life. I have felt frustrated about not understanding what He's up to, but I always felt that once it was all said and done whatever he was up to would make sense.

When I was in college I liked this guy for a long time. He was a nice guy (a change for me) a christian nice guy and I couldn't understand for the life of me why God was saying no. It even appeared to me to be mutual (although looking back, probably not, I've seen He's Just Not That Into You as many times as the next girl: "if a guy likes you, he will make it happen"). Then I met Pat. He was perfect for me. I knew within a few months that we would get married (I was right, we dated less than a year before getting engaged). And I remember thinking all those long months *cough* years *cough*, while I had spent my wishing I was with someone else, God had a plan. Pat was the missing piece that I couldn't see. God hadn't shown him to me yet, but he had been part of the plan all along.

You see, I have always been comforted by the idea that He had a plan that was bigger than what I could see. I have always felt like no matter what happened someday I would understand. Until four years ago when Pat started to have serious health problems, and we moved out of our apartment, and had a kid (who is WONDERFUL by the way, no regrets, it just didn't make a whole lot of sense) and spent all our money on doctors and filed bankruptcy and Pat's father started having major life-threatening health issues (which are still going on by the way) and Pat didn't get a job we felt was a sure thing. And suddenly I felt lost.

I was talking with Pat a few months ago, before The Day the World Ended, and I was explaining to him about always feeling like I would get it some day. All through this difficult time I felt like someday I would get it. But as time went on I started to feel like nothing would ever make all this heart ache feel like it made sense. It was to complicated for that. I felt like I was trying to solve a giant cosmic jigsaw puzzle, only I wasn't given all the pieces yet. God was quietly handing me one at a time as I was ready to use them and one day, He would give me the piece that finished the puzzle (or at least a decent sized portion of it). But, I told Pat, I felt like no piece of the puzzle could ever tie up all of these pieces. There was no one (or even twelve) puzzle pieces that would make all of this trial make sense. I wanted to stop looking for the answer. I wasn't giving up on God. I wasn't even mad at Him, I just was tired of trying to find something that obviously wasn't going to be given to me. Don't misunderstand me, it's not that I didn't think there was a reason for all of the things we were going through, it's that I was just not going to be allowed to see it.

Then The World Ended. We have buried children. Two actually. There's no puzzle piece big enough of important enough to make that make any kind of sense.

We were reading  Wiggles her bible story at bedtime a few days ago from this wonderful children's bible called The Jesus Storybook Bible. We read it in a loop, meaning we read a story a night until it's done and then we start over. We read the prologue a few nights ago and there were a few sentences that halted the story because tears were obstructing my view of the page:

"[Jesus] is like the missing puzzle piece that makes all other pieces fit together, and suddenly you see a beautiful picture."

Now, I am not saying that now that I saw that sentence I am over the loss of our twins. I will never be over our loss. From what I understand you just learn to live with it. We still have a long road to whatever recovery can look like. But I will say that this children's bible was used by the Lord to speak to me. To tell me the missing piece was not an event or a person, (well, not an earthly person). It is Him and nothing less. That He doesn't just have the answers, He is the answer.

Limpingly,
Jillian